


Virmire Aftermath

by soldiermom1973



Series: 1,000 years (A Reconciliation Story) [4]
Category: Mass Effect (Comics), Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Comfort, Embrace, F/M, Fictober 2019, Hot Cocoa, I know you didn't ask for this, Virmire, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 19:50:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21003233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soldiermom1973/pseuds/soldiermom1973
Summary: Allie and Kaidan's burgeoning relationship is put to the test after the Virmire mission.





	Virmire Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> This is just like the title says - the aftermath from the Virmire mission. Nothing too graphic, though.
> 
> Another couple of prompts done for Fictober, Whumptober, and MEFFW Fictober (though that last one is an impartial prompt). It hasn't been beta'd, so if you find a glaring mistake, please let me know.

Allie sat in the blissfully empty mess hall with her hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate. She didn't drink it often – it was her favorite hot beverage, so she limited herself to only drinking it on special occasions or when she was particularly stressed, which had the effect of making it seem more special. Or, in this case, more comforting. And after this last mission, she needed all the comfort she could get.

Virmire. Leaving Ash behind. The ache in her gut at having to make that kind of decision – she'd lost people in her command before, but never in her life did she have to choose like that. The resignation in Ash's voice when Allie directed Joker to meet them at Kaidan's location haunted her – she often talked about the 'black mark' attached to her family name and Allie had done everything she could to make sure the younger woman had a fair shot at a promotion, even calling in favors to get her a prime duty location when this mess with Saren was cleaned up. Ashley Williams deserved better than the Alliance had given her. She deserved a fair shot.

She didn't deserve to die.

_Did Allie make the right choice?_

She flicked her eyes to the med bay, wondering how Kaidan was doing. Dr. Chakwas released him long enough for the post-mission brief, but he barely looked at her and didn't say anything at all. Allie got the distinct impression he was angry at her. Maybe she was misreading his survivor's guilt – a natural reaction given what he'd been through – but as they left the comms room and she escorted him back to the med bay, his answers were short, terse, and he wouldn't even look at her. Hell, even as she helped him to his feet at the bomb site, he seemed angry. At the time, Allie chalked it up to him not being able to walk, so she put him in a fireman's carry to get him back to the ship. Manly pride and all that. In hindsight, though, maybe he was angry because Allie was leaving Ash behind.

She'd have been lying if she said part of the reason she chose Kaidan wasn't personal. Yes, there were absolutely other reasons she chose to save Kaidan – he was the more experienced of the two (though her guilty conscience tried telling her that was all the more reason to save Ash instead – to give her a chance to gain the same experience Kaidan had), she'd worked with him longer and their skill sets meshed perfectly on the battlefield where Ash and she didn't quite have the same rhythm (it wasn't for a lack of trying on Allie's part; she and the younger woman sparred and trained constantly, trying to find that groove she and Kaidan had. Allie meshed nearly as well with Garrus and Wrex, there was just something about Ash that seemed to complicate things when they were in combat).

When it came down to it, though, it was her personal feelings that led to her decision. Her first thoughts weren't of the mission or of why Kaidan was the better option. No, her first thoughts were of not having him around anymore, not being able to flirt with him or talk to him or see him hunched over his workstation. Her heart had ached at the idea of him dying and it being because Allie chose to leave him behind. The other, more rational reasoning came after the bomb went off and the Normandy was safely away.

What would Captain Anderson have done? Allie glanced at the door to her quarters, wondering if she should call him and talk to him about all of this. Anderson was N7 and had been under consideration to become a Spectre. He had to know what this kind of sacrifice was like. She knew from past experience that he wouldn't judge her. If anything, he'd think more of her for actually asking for a shoulder to lean on instead of taking on all the burdens of command on her own, especially considering what was being asked of her.

Allie closed her eyes as a lone tear slipped down her cheek. This sucked. The whole fucking thing sucked. The Council was pissed that a nuke was used (even though it wasn't _her_ idea, they blamed her nonetheless), she wasn't able to actually stop Saren (and the son of a bitch did a good job of almost kicking her ass, she thought as she rubbed her neck, wincing at the marks his talons left behind), and the Alliance lost a good soldier because Saren put her in a nearly impossible position.

The guilt over leaving Ash behind was momentarily forgotten, replaced by anger that one person was able to do so much damage in so little time. “I can't wait to make you pay for all of this,” she whispered, brushing her hand along her cheek.

“Commander? You ok?”

Allie's head jerked in the direction of the med bay, Kaidan's soft voice startling her from her thoughts. She allowed herself a small smile, relieved he was on his feet, albeit helped by some crutches. “As good as I can be right now,” she answered. “How about you? What's the verdict?”

Kaidan hobbled closer to the table and shrugged. “Knee's dislocated, but the doc doesn't think I'll need surgery, which is a good thing. That would have me out of commission for months and I need to be there when you finally catch this asshole.”

“You will be, Kaidan,” Allie assured him. “I promise.”

“Good.” Kaidan nodded, but didn't move to sit down. Instead, he stood next to her with his head bowed, staring at the floor.

Allie waited a few more moments before saying anything else. “And are you ok otherwise?” she asked.

“No, ma'am, I'm not. I'm not ok at all.” This time, there was no doubt that Kaidan was angry. Allie's eyes were drawn to the faint hint of blue that started swirling around Kaidan's hands. She'd never seen him react like that and the slip in his demeanor was quickly caught because as soon as his biotic aura swirled, it was gone again, reined in and tamped down by Kaidan's ever-present control.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Allie gestured to the seat across from her.

Again, Kaidan stayed put. “Why me?” he asked, his tone sounding almost like a growl. “Why didn't you save Ash? She was closer to your position! I already had the bomb armed, there was no way the geth would have been able to stop it. You should have saved her, Commander, not me!”

Kaidan's voice got louder as he spoke and it was the catalyst Allie needed to ignore her own grief and guilt. “Lieutenant, I understand you're upset, but your crewmates are sleeping. You need to either keep it down or we need to move this conversation someplace else.”

Allie stood, grabbed her mug, and gestured to her quarters, not surprised when Kaidan made his way in that direction. As soon as the doors hissed shut behind them, he launched into his tirade again, berating Allie for the choice she made, railing at her and listing about a dozen reasons he should have been the one to stay behind. His voice cracked several times when he talked about Ash's family and how her death would affect them.

He paced back and forth as he vented as well as his injury would allow him. Allie perched herself on her desk, letting the older man get everything off his chest and tried not to take it personally. While Kaidan railed against her, she kept reminding herself it was his survivor's guilt talking, that he wasn't really angry with her for saving his life. She had no idea how much time passed before he finally turned his tear-filled eyes at her. “Just tell me you didn't save me because of us. Tell me your feelings didn't get in the way. Tell me Ash didn't die so you and I could be together.”

Allie inhaled sharply at his plea and crossed her arms over her chest. “Why would my answer matter? What's done is done and don't think for a second I haven't already beaten myself black and blue about it.”

“Then tell me why.” He straightened up and gave her a hard stare.

Allie's heart broke when a single tear slipped down his face and it took every ounce of willpower she had to not reach for him and pull him against her. She pursed her lips and spelled out the reasons she chose him, ignoring the guilt that planted itself in her heart, never once letting on that her decision was, at its very core, personal. Instead, she spoke of his technical skills, his experience, their chemistry on the battlefield. As she spoke, Kaidan's posture started to collapse. He turned away from her and hung his head, his shoulders shaking as he started to cry.

“Kaidan,” Allie said, hurrying to his side. He dropped his crutches and clung to her as he wept.

“She deserved better than that, Allie,” he sobbed. “She deserved a life. She deserved to get married and have kids and grow old...”

“You do, too,” Allie said, stroking his hair. “You both deserve those things and don't think for a second that I'm ok with the fact that Ash won't have any of that now. Just... please tell me you aren't mad at me for saving you, Kaidan. I really don't think I could handle that. Not now. Not after today.”

Kaidan wrapped his arms tighter around Allie's waist and pulled himself closer. “I'm not. I mean, I'm trying not to be. I know it isn't your fault. I know I shouldn't be angry, but...”

“I'm the one that's here,” Allie finished.

Kaidan nodded and sniffled, brushing his cheek against her head. “I'm sorry, Shepard,” he murmured. “You don't deserve this. I'm sorry I took it out on you.”

“You don't have anything to be sorry for, Kaidan,” Allie soothed. “You being angry is a natural reaction. It's ok.”

Allie guided the two to them to the edge of her bed and they sat, embracing each other as they grieved the loss of their friend and shipmate. When their tears finally dried, they leaned back and brushed each others cheeks dry and Kaidan finally offered Allie a small smile.

“Thank you, Commander,” he said, dropping his hands to his lap. “And I'm sorry I lashed out. You've had a lot dumped on your plate and I know you didn't ask for any of it and to have something like this happen...” He sighed and traced his finger along her wrist. “Are you ok?”

“I'm better now,” Allie admitted, not wanting to make him feel any worse by letting him know his anger hurt. “This will be one of those things that will keep me up at night for a while and will even come back to haunt me down the road, but it'll get better.”

They sat in silence a bit longer, their fingers loosely intertwined when Kaidan finally chuckled a little bit. “I have a feeling Wrex and Garrus aren't going to let me hear the end of it, though. You tossing me over your shoulder like that.”

“Had to be done, I'm afraid,” Allie grinned. “I ordered Garrus and Wrex to the ship before I realized how badly you were hurt.”

Her attention was drawn to his heavily wrapped knee and brushed her fingers over it. “Just make sure to do what the doc tells you. I know from experience she isn't to be trifled with when it comes to following her medical orders.”

“Aye aye,” he smiled.

Allie reached out and placed her hand on his cheek, sighing when he turned into her touch. “I think your hot chocolate is probably cold by now,” he murmured.

“Probably,” she agreed, smiling at him. “It won't be hard to heat back up, though.”

Allie hadn't noticed their faces getting closer until the tips of their noses brushed together. She licked her lips and closed her eyes, waiting for Kaidan to tilt his head just so...

“Commander, Admiral Hackett is on the line for you.” Joker's voice filled the room and the pair jumped back, like they were teenagers caught out by their parents.

“Got it, Joker. I'll take it in my quarters in a second.” Allie gave Kaidan a sad smile and shook her head. “He has terrible timing,” she sighed.

“Yes, he does,” Kaidan said, using his crutches to pull himself off the bed. “Thanks for letting me vent, Commander. Again, I'm sorry I took it out on you. You didn't deserve it.”

Allie watched as he carefully hobbled to the door. “You don't have anything to be sorry for, Kaidan. My door is always open to you. You know that. We can catch up later, ok?”

“I'd like that.” Kaidan smiled at her over his shoulder. A genuine smile, though tinged with a bit of sadness. When the door hissed shut, Allie knew she made the best choice she could, given the circumstances. There really was no right or wrong choice for something like this – how could there be? Still, she knew she'd always feel guilty for letting her heart make a decision that should have been solely her brain's domain.

She sighed and turned on her hot plate, wanting to finish her hot chocolate before getting into any more nasty business for the Council or the Alliance. While her mug warmed up, she flipped a switch on her desk.

“Admiral, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. What can I do for you?”


End file.
